


Baby I'm crazy(please save me)

by bettyparker



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 16:44:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7900222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyparker/pseuds/bettyparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim wakes up to the white ceiling again. It’s how most of his days start. He doesn’t remember how he got here but all he knows is that he belongs here. He’s in an insane asylum. He can’t remember anything about himself except his name. What he does know is that the guy that’s watching him from the corner is not real. His name is Leonard McCoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby I'm crazy(please save me)

Jim wakes up to the white ceiling again. It’s how most of his days start. He doesn’t remember how he got here but all he knows is that he belongs here. He’s in an insane asylum. He can’t remember anything about himself except his name. What he does know is that the guy that’s watching him from the corner is not real. Jim is the only one that can see him. His name is Leonard McCoy. He’s a doctor. Wait, no, he’s not real. He’s just a figment of Jim’s imagination. He never leaves. Jim likes him.

“Get up, Jim. It’s time to start the day.”

Leonard is leaning on the wall, hands crossed on his chest. He is wearing black pants and a blue long sleeved shirt. He always wears that. Jim doesn’t know why, he never saw anything like it.

Jim gets dressed for the day before heading to breakfast. He sits at a table alone, as he always does. But he’s never really alone. Leonard sits across from him as always, and he watches Jim eat. They never talk during meals. After breakfast Jim walks around and they talk. Leonard talks about space and weird things and Jim talks about the asylum. Leonard sometimes asks him about his childhood and he seems really sad when Jim tells him that he doesn’t remember.  

After lunch Jim has his therapy session with Doctor Spock. He feels like he knows the doctor from somewhere but he can never place him. They always talk about Leonard.

“How have you been since our last session, Jim?”

The thing is, Jim doesn’t remember the last session. He only remembers Leonard and his name, and that’s only because Leonard reminds him about his name. Sometimes it feels like his life is made of puzzle pieces. He finds himself in places and he doesn’t remember how he got there. He forgets a lot of things.

“I’m fine.”

Leonard scoffs from his place next to Jim and he almost flinches. Spock shifts a little before clearing his throat.

“Do you still see him?”

Jim tries to recall their last session where they clearly talked about Leonard but he can’t. It frustrates him.

“Yeah. He doesn’t leave. But I like him, I don’t want him to go.”

Spock leans scribbles something in his notebook before looking up at him.

“Can you tell me more about him? What’s he like?”

“He’s grumpy, he talks about strange stuff.”

“Would you give me an example?”

“He talks about space and stars. He keeps telling me how much he hates space. He talks about a school…uhh Starfleet Academy. Sometimes he talks about a spaceship. It has a name also, the spaceship. I can’t remember it.”

Spock writes something more in his notebook before looking back at him. Leonard looks sad.

“And that’s all he ever talks about?”

Jim looks at Leonard for a second and then turns his attention back to Spock.

“Sometimes he’s sad. He tells me to wake up yet I’m awake and when I tell him that he just shakes his head. I don’t know what he wants from me. He never tells me. Sometimes he spends hours talking like that, and he’s so very sad. I can never make it better. But then he’ll suddenly stop and the sadness will be gone without a trace.”

Spock leans forward and searches Jim’s face for something.

“Jim, do you realize that you’re telling me the same things you’ve been telling me since we started seeing each other?”

Jim blinks and looks at Leonard who just smiles sadly.

“You never remember our sessions, or your days here for that matter. Yet somehow you remember what Leonard tells you. I think this imaginary friend you created is affecting you too much. Maybe you should start ignoring him, try to get rid of him.”

And Jim looks at Spock in disbelief but Spock is serious.

“But I need Bones.”

Jim and Leonard flinch at the same time.

_“The wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.”_

Jim blinks and the words are already a faint echo at the back of his mind. Spock looks at him expectantly and Jim realizes that he’s waiting for an answer to whatever he just asked Jim.

“Sorry, can you, uh, can you repeat that please?”

“I asked you why you called Leonard ‘Bones’?”

Jim blinks and glances at Leonard who looks a little heartbroken.

“I don’t know…”

Spock sighs and leans back in his chair.

“Jim, you have schizophrenia. The treatment is helping you, but you need to let go of Leonard. I know that it seems hard right now, but you must do it in order to get better.”

Jim wants to argue but he also wants to get better. He hates this place, that much he knows. Leonard stands up from his place and he looks alarmed. Jim thinks that the doctor is right if Leonard’s reaction is anything to go by.

“I wanna get better..”

Spock smiles and Jim thinks that there’s something wrong with that image, like Doctor Spock shouldn’t smile. He shakes his head and pushes the feeling away.

“Very well. That is the first step towards recovery. Here’s what you should do. You will stop engaging in conversation with him. Try to ignore him. Let him go. Also, I recommend you start a journal. Write everything that happens to you during the day. That way, the next day you can read it and maybe you’ll stop losing time.”

“How will I remember to write?”

Spock smiles before he stands up and goes to open a drawer. He comes back and hands him a leather bound journal, a pen and a stack of sticky notes. Jim smiles and takes the items.

“I’ll see you tomorrow for our appointment.”

Jim nods and leaves, Leonard hot on his heels.

“You’re not actually gonna do it, right? You’re not gonna stop talking to me.”

They reach Jim’s room and he puts the items on the table before turning to face Leonard.

“I have to. I need to get better. You’re not real. I made you up and I can’t even remember why. I need to remember and get out of here. I need to let you go, Bones.”

And there it was again, that nickname. Jim doesn’t remember why he’s calling Leonard that but it feels right. Jim shakes his head and goes to lay on the bed, back turned to Leonard who is talking to Jim in a desperate tone. Jim doesn’t go to dinner. Sometime later the air shifts and Leonard is quiet for a few seconds. Jim tenses and the atmosphere turns sad. Jim swears he can feel the salty taste of tears. When Leonard talks this time, it’s different, his voice is kind of muffled and oh so sad.

“Jim, please. Please wake up. I can’t… You have to. You can’t give up. Wake up. I’m begging you, please. You can’t leave me”

And Jim clenches his jaw. This always happens. He doesn’t understand what Leonard wants from him, doesn’t understand what he means. He supposes it’s not important, it’s just his messed up head. He’s crazy. He tries to ignore him but it’s hard. As always, he starts talking about the space stuff again, he also talks about people Jim never met.

“The Enterprise is heading to New Vulcan”

“Chekov is sad.”

Jim tries not to listen. He gets up and sits at the table. He opens the journal before grabbing the pen.

_“Day 1_

_The doctor told me to write in this so I can remember the day tomorrow. So here goes. My name is James Kirk. I can’t remember anything else about myself. I don’t even remember what I did yesterday. I’m pretty messed up, huh? I also have an imaginary friend. His name is Leonard. I never forget about him. I don’t know why. He never leaves. Sometimes something changes and I can’t say what but he gets sad and he starts talking about stuff I don’t understand. Space, aliens, The Enterprise. He also talks about people. Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty. I don’t know who they are. When I ask him after he just gives me a sad look. Doctor Spock says I have to let him go in order to get better. Bones is not happy about it.”_

Jim remembers to write on a sticky note _“Check journal!”_  before going to sleep. Leonard is silent. 

He doesn’t know exactly how many days passed since he started the journal but he sees the sticky note every day and he writes in the diary. His days are dull. He ignores Leonard completely. He can’t sleep at night. Leonard doesn’t let him. He gets louder and louder the more Jim ignores him. He almost can’t hear the doctor anymore since Bones is screaming at him. He goes to his room after dinner and takes a seat at the table. He looks at what he wrote the day before and sighs before starting a new page.

_“Day 30_

_I haven’t slept in five days if the journal is anything to go by. I’m so fucking tired. Spock’s method isn’t fucking working. Leonard had another episode today. He was sad for two hours this time. I’m actually grateful for the episodes now. It’s the only time he’s quiet. He hates that I’m ignoring him. He screams at me. My head hurts so much sometimes. I want him to go._

Some days pass and Jim still doesn’t remember. Spock doesn’t say anything, he just encourages Jim to continue what he’s doing. Jim started sleeping again. Outside the episodes, Leonard doesn’t speak. He watches Jim with a heartbreaking expression and sometimes his lips form words but no sound comes out. Jim should be glad but he feels actually sad.

_“Day 45_

_The method is working. Leonard looks like a ghost or a hologram. His voice is fading during the episodes too. I have to strain to hear him. Spock is happy. I should be happy. Why am I sad then? Why do I feel like something is wrong?_

One morning he wakes up and Leonard is gone. Jim waits for a while for him to appear but he doesn’t. Something tightens in his chest. He feels panic tearing at him. He suppresses it and goes on with his day. He is lonely all day. When he tells the doctor he congratulates Jim. He doesn’t feel like this is something worth congratulating. Jim wakes up sometimes and finds himself reaching for…someone. Someone he can never find. His days are bleak.

_“Day 78_

_Nothing happened today. He’s still gone. I still don’t remember anything. There’s something missing, lost. No, not something, someone. But can you miss someone you don’t even remember?_

He starts feeling more lost as the time passes. He feels cold. The void inside him never fills. He’s released from the asylum. Doctor Spock tells him that he’s healed. He knows he’s far from it. There’s a woman waiting for him. She gives him a tight hug and Jim stays stiff in her arms. She tells him she’s his mother. Jim smiles and then a man joins his mother. He is crying. His mother tells him that the man is Jim’s father. Jim is hit with a sense of wrongness. He just can’t understand why. They take Jim to a house and Jim learns that he lives in Iowa. When they get to the house there’s another man waiting on the porch. He gives Jim a tight smile and a pat on the back before disappearing into the house. His mother sighs and tells him that the guy is his brother. Her tone is sad. Jim feels overwhelmed.

He writes about them in his journal and reads it every day. His life is still fragmented. He blinks and he’s suddenly in the car with his dad. He doesn’t remember how he got there. He doesn’t tell them. He still feels like something is wrong. He still doesn’t know what. He blames it on the insanity. He’s just paranoid.

It changes a few days later. He’s in the living room with his parents when he hears it. Leonard’s voice. But unlike the other times, he can’t see him and his voice seems to be coming from everywhere. It sounds frantic.

“Jim, come on, dammit. You can’t do this to me. I need you to come back, do you near me? Wake up!”

Jim clutches his head and stands up. His parents are watching him and they’re worried. Jim feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns to find Leonard. The noise stops and for a second everything is dead silent. Leonard places his hand on Jim’s shoulder and squeezes and Jim flinches because he can feel it. This never happened before. He’s losing whatever sanity he had left.

“You’re not losing it, Jim. It’s just time to wake up.”

And Jim is confused because Leonard keeps saying that, but Jim is awake.

“No, Jim. You’re not awake. Look around you, does this seem real?”

And Jim looks behind him and sees his parents, worried, waiting for him to say something and he wants to say yes, yes it’s real but something stops him.

“You always knew the truth deep down. I need you to see it now. Come outside with me.”

Jim follows Leonard and when he gets outside he freezes. There’s a big spaceship there. Leonard is looking at him, waiting. And Jim wants to turn to his mother and tell her to call the doctor but he’s frozen.

“This life, this place…it’s not real. You made it up. You’re in a coma. Do you remember what happened to you?”

Images flood Jim’s mind. The Enterprise. The diplomatic mission on some planet. The landing party. Scotty standing next to him, chatting about an engineering problem. Leonard’s voice in the comm.

_“Hey, Bones, after I’m done here, would you like to have that movie night we’ve been planning? I know it’s kind of a lame way to spend our anniversary but..”_

_“Jim, it’s not lame. We’re both tired. Plus it’s our six months anniversary, we’ve been having romantic dinners so far, a change is good.”_

Laughter. Scotty rolling his eyes. Noise. Screams. And then…

_“Captain, look out!”_

Blackness.

Jim gasps and looks at Leonard who signals him to look around. His parents are gone, and they’re in the shuttle where they met. Jim remembers. For the first time since he got here he remembers. And Leonard smiles fondly before cupping his cheek.

“It’s time to get back, Jim.”

Jim gasps and bolts up. He looks around confused. The smell of antiseptic and the beeping sound next to him confirm his suspicions. He’s awake. His whole body aches but he’s alive. He’s trying to figure out how bad his condition is when he hears something clatter to the floor and then he’s being pulled in a desperate hug. Leonard’s smell fills his nostrils and he relaxes before hugging him back.

“Oh my God, Jim, you’re awake. You’re awake.”

Jim rubs Leonard’s back and lets him cry. He feels happy. He finally found what was missing. Leonard pulls away after a few minutes and Jim finally has time to properly look at him. Leonard has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is messy and he has a beard. It makes him look old. His eyes are still red rimmed but he looks like he’s calming down. He’s still clutching Jim’s hand but Jim doesn’t mind.

“Dammit Jim, you’ve been in a coma for two weeks. Spock said you weren’t going to wake up. I thought I lost you.”

The agony in his voice pulls at Jim’s heartstrings. He wraps his hands around Bones and starts muttering apologies.

“I’m sorry, Bones. I’m here. You’re not losing me. I’ll always come back to you.”

Bones calms down after a few minutes and Jim pulls back only to look into Leonard’s eyes.

“Bones, I’m sorry I missed out anniversary.”

Bones laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound Jim ever heard.

“Yeah well, you can make it up to me.”

And Bones kisses him and something inside Jim settles. Because the Leonard in his head never did this. Bones is real, Jim is really awake.

“Are you really okay Jim?”

Bones is frowning at him and Jim can’t help but kiss him, because he made it. He’s home. Finally.

“I am now.”

Jim grins at Leonard and he gets a small smile in return. He gets it, Leonard’s still worried. It’s enough for now. He has time to make Bones smile like before. For now he lays back down and scoots over and Leonard sighs but he doesn’t say anything. He lays down next to him and he lets Jim cuddle him. And Jim feels Leonard’s strong heartbeat, real, alive under him and he can rest easy, knowing that the nightmare is over.

**Author's Note:**

> This was different from what i usually write. Hope it was good.


End file.
